Accountability: Taking Responsibility WHEN You Make a Mistake
Accountability: Taking Responsibility WHEN You Make a Mistake
Accountability : the quality or state of being accountable
especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions - https://www.merriam-webster.com/
We are currently living in a world where there is so much chaos and unpredictability and it feels like there’s so much outside of our control. So let me propose a way to take back some control in our lives (and maybe have a positive impact on our world) is to practice accountability: owning and/or taking responsibility for any mistakes, missteps, poor behaviors, inappropriate actions, slips, oversights, snafus, or other transgressions that may have been made with or without malicious intent. We certainly cannot take back anything we have done or said once it has been released out into the ether, but we can OWN it so no one else has to carry the weight of it on our behalf.
We are all human and we all make mistakes, and I firmly believe that if we took responsibility for them, it could be a way to decrease the spread of negative energy in our world. It is one of those things where “the right choice is hardly ever the easy choice” [rick gordon], to be sure, and requires a fair amount of courage and humility. It can be scary and anxiety-provoking, and I will be the first to admit that practicing this in my own life (personally and professionally) has been a challenge for me. It is something I’ve been working on for many years after I came to recognize it as a core value (as is humility).
So, what have I noticed in my own life since enacting this change?
My mistakes affect other people. When I take responsibility for them, these people aren’t left holding that negative energy.
People are likely to respect you for it. More often than not, people will have a lot of respect for the courage and humility it takes to own your mistakes.
Additionally, people are more likely to trust you and/or feel safe/less defensive around you.
It can take a lot of energy to maintain the avoidance of/hiding from your mistake. It can be so much ‘easier’ to own it up front so you can let it go.
Decrease in arguments: when I’m not deflecting blame on anyone else, there’s nothing for them to argue with, nor a need to get defensive and fight back.
It can be like a chain reaction: when you engage in this behavior for yourself, you also model this behavior for others. You may actually be teaching them a new skill or an alternative option that they didn’t know existed. (Think especially of the children in your life).
You don’t have to take my word for it, you can try it yourself and/or just watch one of my favorite shows, Ted Lasso, to see how this skill/trait helped the team or hurt the team when it was not maintained.
So, you want to learn to be accountable, what next?
Reflect on past experiences where you were NOT accountable: notice what the outcome was and how that scenario played out. Notice if there was a missed opportunity for you to be accountable or notice the point where you made the choice NOT to be accountable. No judgment. Just notice.
Catch yourself: notice those cues (behavioral, somatic, verbal, etc.) that you are avoiding an opportunity to maintain accountability. Maybe you tried to cover up your mistake or failed to acknowledge a mistake when confronted. It’s never too late to go back and redirect your behavior. “...it wasn’t me. Wait, that’s not accurate. It was me.”
Get through that first experience: getting through that first experience is often the most daunting. Once you do it once, you have concrete evidence to show it’s not so bad or so hard. So, congratulate yourself on a job well done, but don’t let yourself off the hook…
Make it a practice: maintaining a behavior change requires practice, it’s not just a one-time experience. Think about the time and energy it took for you to learn to ride a bike, or type on a keyboard, or [insert activity or behavior here], it takes practice to turn accountability into your default behavior. There will likely be slips or setbacks, and that’s okay. Just go back to step 2 and go back once you realize what happened.
It may not always be a pleasant experience: be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions, behaviors, words, etc. We don’t always get let off the hook. But, at least someone else isn’t going to take the hit for us.
Seek support: ask some close friends or family members to help hold you accountable to your goal of maintaining accountability. Let them know your cues/signs/tells when you are avoiding or evading accountability and identify a safe word or phrase that they can reflect back to you when they see your cues. The safe word or phrase should be identified/agreed upon outside an active situation to help decrease a defensive response when you may be feeling a bit agitated.
A couple of extra little tidbits to consider: We are human, and humans make mistakes. True story. Also, change is hard and you never have to go it alone. Seek support as needed.
Also, just to clarify, sometimes situations can be complex. There may be more than one person who contributed a mistake to the situation. Identify your part, and own ONLY that. It is not your responsibility to take ownership of mistakes, behaviors, actions, words, etc. that you did enact. Here’s where our boundaries come in: take accountability for the specific role you may have played. It is not on you to take on responsibility for the parts others may have contributed to the situation.
Bonus points for honoring a person when they have the courage and humility to take accountability for something they have done. A little “hey thanks for saying that” or “I appreciate that” can go a long way!
If you feel you need some additional therapeutic support to help you increase your own self-accountability, please feel free to reach out to me to schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if I might be a good fit to help you with that.
