Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life (2021) Emily Nagoski, PhD
Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, aims to normalize the diversity of women' s sexual wellbeing through frank discussion and presentation of clinical research encompassing bio-psyscho-social-spiritual factors (such as, but not limited to neurobiology, anatomy, attachment theory, the impact of trauma, stress response cycles, patriarchy, morality-based cultural narratives, etc.). Historically, most sexual research has been focused on men and blankly applied (projected?) on to women (which is a pattern we’ve noticed a lot lately about medical research in general). And while Nagoski does highlight a lot of similarities between men and women (regularly reminding us that we all have “the same parts organized in different ways”), she also notes how we are affected differently by different stressors, cultural and social factors/expectations/context, biological factors, etc. She brings it back to the facts, highlights misinformation, and illuminates the history/context of the myths we’ve been exposed to; and frankly debunks myths that are destructive and dangerous.
“This whole book is about paying attention to your own internal experience and trusting your body.”
How was this book recommended to me? I read her and her sister’s book (Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle) last year and loved it.
Would I recommend this to my colleagues? Sure
Would I recommend this to my clients? In the appropriate context
How do I apply this content to my work: One of the things I appreciate about this book is the regular referral to seek therapy as she highlights factors such as trauma or other mental health conditions. A marker of many mental health conditions include dysfunction or interferences with interpersonal relationship dynamics or even dysfunction of bodily symptoms (especially trauma). Many of the factors and stressors that Nagoski mentions in this book can be addressed with the help of a therapist (i.e., me). She also talks consistently about the value of completing the stress response cycle, identifying cues of safety and cues of danger; and building trust and rapport in your partner, yourself, and your environment–all of this I can see from the lens of Polyvagal Theory, which is a foundation of how I approach the healing of trauma.
Additionally, Nagoski references the social and cultural factors that affect women, especially the way we often mask or fawn in order to meet social or cultural expectations and ignore, or fail to cultivate a true and authentic sense of self. And prioritizing the needs or expectations of others, per Nagoski, is interfering with women’s sexual wellbeing. These are also issues that I specialize in working with–helping folks find enough safety in their own Self that they are able to drop their masks, defenses, guards, walls, etc. to allow for safe and reciprocal relationships with self and others.
If you live in WA state and feel like your symptoms of trauma are interfering with your sexual or relational wellbeing, contact me. Let’s schedule a free 15-minute consultation and see if we might be a good fit to work together.
