Selfish as Self-Care: When Being SELFISH is Healthy
I often talk with people about co-dependency–when we have to make sure everyone else is okay in order for us to be okay; or when there is an expectation that it’s our responsibility to take care of everyone else before ourselves (rather than holding other people accountable for taking care of themselves).
But then who is focusing on us?
Who is prioritizing OUR needs?
Perhaps there is an expectation of reciprocity–that if we are focusing on everyone else, they are all going to focus on our needs above their own in return…?
But how often does that actually happen? And are there relationship dynamics where that is not appropriate (i.e., parent and [young] child, etc.)?
As a result, I talk with a lot of people who are totally spent, burnt out, feeling lost, disconnected, struggling to survive (let alone thrive), lacking energy, experiencing symptoms of anxiety and/or depression, and often unhealthy in a variety of different ways.
And for good reason: Their needs are not being met.
As human beings, we need connection; we need to take care of ourselves; and it’s important to have hopes, dreams, beliefs, desires, needs, values and fun to look forward to and spur growth, development, and engagement. This is self-care. Not just taking a bubble bath or treating yourself to ice cream. We need to be making sure our bodies, our minds, our souls, and our relationships are healthy. And if you are sacrificing your body, mind, and/or soul to focus all your energy on your relationships (and not getting that back in return), those relationships are not healthy (and likely neither are you).
If you find yourself in this description, you may be asking “What do I do?”
And the answer often comes along the lines of needing to put yourself first; (utilize boundaries to) prioritize your needs, time, health, wants, dreams, values, goals, curiosities, etc. Ask for help and/or reciprocity...
But then I get the response “but that’s selfish”. And the truth is, it IS selfish. AND selfishness can be a form of self-care.
In the pure sense of the word as I am referring to, it can encompass the person who is able to be inter-dependent, differentiated, maintain healthy boundaries, and prioritize their self-care in order to maintain a balanced life that is congruent with their core sense of Self.
And yet, when I look up the word “selfish” and its synonyms, there is an incredibly negative connotation associated with it related to hyper-individualization. So no wonder we don’t want to take that on. But the antonym (or opposite) for “selfish” is “selfless”, which seems to reflect co-dependent traits and behaviors. So, in lieu of there not being a more appropriate word to articulate our goal here, it appears we may have to look at “selfish” as being on a spectrum: on the one end being someone who is focused entirely on serving their own needs at the expense of others versus someone who can balance prioritizing their needs and the needs of others on the other end.
In a perfect world, we are surrounded by a community of people who are looking out for us as much as they are looking out for themselves. But many of us don’t live in that world. It’s not easy to shift these dynamics of responsibility and accountability, and introducing boundaries into relationship dynamics is often met with resistance (to put it lightly). So let me offer a little permission to allow yourself to be a little selfish sometimes. If there is an opportunity for someone to do for themselves (safely and appropriately), encourage them to do so. If there is something you just don’t want to do (and it is safe and appropriate to do so), I encourage you to say “no”. Start by prioritizing your basic needs–are you getting appropriate nutrition, hydration, elimination, and rest?
If this is something you feel like you could use more support with and you live in the state of Washington, contact me and let’s talk about ways I can support you cultivating a healthy realm of selfishness.
