This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light (2025) by Allison Holker
In her memoir, Allison Holker reviews her life trajectory and reflects on how her experiences have impacted her: developmental trauma; financial insecurities; social disconnection and alienation; her love and connection with dance and how this has grounded her in the cultivation of her core sense of Self; challenging cultural norms and systems of authority; self-advocacy; finding love; co-dependent relationship patterns; building a family and a lucrative career; the experience of tragedy and unexpected loss; trying to process the complex impact this loss has had on her life, her family, and her worldview on a public stage; and trying to initiate the next phase of her life.
As I read this book, I’m reminded of the adage “The only way out is through…”
As she shares her story, Allison portrays how complicated, painful, and confusing this process can be; and the courage it takes to process traumatic events in our lives. Not only in reflecting on her own developmental experiences, but also the relationship that developed with Stephen and the aftermath of his loss. And while this comes with a myriad of complications (communicating death and processing grief with young children, raising bi-racial children as a single white woman, financial challenges and professional setbacks), Allison does home in specifically on the complex experience of being the widow/survivor of a death by suicide and trying to balance and validate the grief, sadness, anger, betrayal, compassion, empathy, etc. There’s a lot of mixed feelings around the topic of suicide, and they are all valid, especially if they are the ones you are feeling as someone who has been affected by this kind of loss. AND I appreciate Allison’s honest expression of her own complex feelings and experiences in this book and validate her request that her perspective and experiences be seen and respected.
As she moves through all of these challenges, she starts to identify what is next for her and taking this opportunity to reconnect with her Self; lean-in to the pain, vulnerability, and resilience as an opportunity to shift out of a state of survival and defense to one of creativity and connection, sharing the light and love that is at the core of her Self as she moves into the next chapter of her life in a way where she has been changed by her experiences without having to carry them.
How was this book recommended to me? A non-therapist and fellow reader friend of mine
Would I recommend this to my colleagues? If clinically applicable
Would I recommend this to my clients? If clinically appropriate
How do I apply this content to my work: This story appears to exemplify a transformation back to the Self. And sometimes tragedy and trauma can be a catalyst for this kind of a shift, challenging our previously held perspectives and allowing us the space to acknowledge how many of our intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship patterns were cultivated to meet external needs and making the choice to shed those protective layers as we heal those wounds. This is one of my primary areas of focus–helping others through the challenging and often distressing experience of facing their triggers (rather than continuing to suppress or deflect them), healing the trauma, and reconnecting with their Self to find strength in the vulnerability of opening themselves up to the world and sharing their light and love.
If you live in WA state and feel like your struggles as a result of traumatic loss have led to feeling disconnected from your core sense of self, contact me. Let’s schedule a free 15-minute consultation and see if we might be a good fit to work together.
